Ep. #7 Working Moms GuiltToday I talk about one of the most common issues women physicians deal with: working mom’s guilt. I remember being told I could have it all, but no one told me how hard it would be to miss out on my daughters milestones and activities. I want to share some facts proven by studies that children are not adversely affected by having a working mother. I think this was one of my biggest worries. I share some ideas from research and from my own experience to hopefully make your parenting more enjoyable. Please remember this: “None of us I decided to have children planning to be miserable and punish ourselves”.
CME
Reflect on how this Podcast applies to your day-to-day and earn AMA PRA Category 1 CMEs here: https://earnc.me/IiWI5u
Show Notes and Time Stamps
Today I talk about one of the most common issues women physicians deal with: working mom’s guilt. I remember being told I could have it all, but no one told me how hard it would be to miss out on my daughters milestones and activities. I want to share some facts proven by studies that children are not adversely affected by having a working mother. I think this was one of my biggest worries. I share some ideas from research and from my own experience to hopefully make your parenting more enjoyable. Please remember this: “None of us I decided to have children planning to be miserable and punish ourselves”.
(3:00) Definition
(3:22) How does a working mother affect a child?
(4:55) What are the effects of working mothers on family relationships?
(5:33) How to cope with working mom guilt.
(6:33) Organize
(9:00) Split responsibilities
(12:38) Self care
(13:08) Relax
(14:02) Re-examine your values
(15:28) Follow Your Own Rules
(16:46) Let go of negative thoughts
Resources
Do you know how burned out you are? Take the MBI quiz now and find out. Click below
https://www.deannalarsonmd.com/mbi-assessment-lp-linked-to-website-assessment-1
Here is the calendar to set up a free consult call
Transcription
You are listening to the Beat Physician Burnout Podcast Episode # 7
How To Deal With Working Mom Guilt
Let's start with a Definition.
Working mom guilt is a specific phenomenon that describes the emotional stress mothers experience when they can't spend enough time with their children. This can lead to self-doubt, worry, and low self-esteem.
How Does a Working Mother Affect a Child?
A significant portion of working moms' guilt comes from a fear of harming their child's overall well-being. Fortunately, increasing evidence has shown that the psychological and emotional health of a child is not significantly impacted by having a working mother. These studies are built on the data that said working mothers make sure to organize their time effectively and go for a quality over quantity approach.
It is perfectly acceptable to talk to your kids about your work. It's easy to say, "I have to work to pay the bills and put food on the table," but is this the message you want to give to your children? And be careful about even giving them a subtle message. When kids are little, it's easy to say, "I am a doctor, and I care for sick people." Right? How much trouble could that get me in? But at some point, our kids realize that we go to work at times when other parents are with their families (like Xmas, birthday). My daughter once said, "I hate the sick people for taking you on Xmas ." So, I feel it's essential to explain the fulfillment we get from our job and my contribution to society as a physician.
What Are the Effects of Working Mothers on Family Relationships?
It's common for working mothers to worry about how well their family holds up in their absence. According to the Pew Research Center, families are better off economically when two working parents are in the household. On the other hand, working mothers often shoulder the burden of working and taking care of the children. This can lead to difficulties maintaining a proper work-life balance, affecting everything from relationships to mental health.
How to cope with working mom guilt?
When a quarter of women aren't allowed a promotion due to balancing working and parenting, it's no surprise why many feel guilty. Am I failing my children? Will I miss out on future job opportunities if I take too many breaks from work? If you've asked these questions, it's time to take your life back into your hands. Studies have shown that often being a parent makes it harder for women to advance in their careers. Being a parent does not seem to have the same effect on male careers. During the pandemic, decrease in daycares and homeschooling, these tasks fell to the female doctors disproportionately. Often this creates what I call my balance yo-yo. I would feel like I was failing in my career and spend a lot of time and energy on my work, sacrificing my self-care and home life. Then I would feel like I was failing as a parent and flip. It was a constant cycle. It's incredible what a little planning, a positive attitude, and some coaching can do to alleviate working mom guilt.
Organize, Plan & Set Up Reminders
Nobody likes feeling scatter-brained. Get comfortable setting up reminders on your phone, especially with early timers, so you don't have to scramble at the last second. Please make sure these have loud alerts so you can hear them anywhere in the house. Try to have a time when you talk about ideas that your kids want to do. When I was particularly stressed, I felt like I was saying no to any request before my daughter got it out of her mouth. At that time, I was so overwhelmed with just trying to get through the day and make sure everybody had what they needed that any other thing would have pushed me over the edge. What I found was that with planning, these seemed less overwhelming. Unfortunately, children are not planners. They often come up with "great plans" at the last minute and are so disappointed when you can't quickly accommodate what they want to do. You may or may not be the person who can easily adapt from having only your children in your house to having your children and all of their friends spend the night in your home. If you can easily adapt to that, good for you. This was not something I was easily able to do. But what did work for me was to set up a time each week to talk and plan a fun activity. Sometimes our ventures were small with just us, and others included all her friends. This system gave me the control and advance I needed to work around my schedule to make it pleasurable for us both. It was usually Friday nights because we could still make it happen for the weekend if I was not working.
Split Responsibilities
A common trait of working mothers is trying to do it all. Whether it's delegating weekly chores to your partner or asking a friend to babysit on the weekends, it's time you started splitting responsibilities. This may sound a little unusual, but I decided to pay someone to drive my daughter to her hour-long dance class. It was after her day at school. It was during a busy drive time. She was tired. I was tired. During the class, I tried to be productive, but there was really nowhere to work or sit, and the other moms would talk, and honestly, that was more fun than trying to be productive. It was always such a rushed time, and we were often bickering at each other and would get home and then again rushing to get something to eat. When I decided to hire someone to drive her, I then had the freedom to use that time to unwind myself, get organized, get dinner ready and really focus on her and us when she got home. She didn't really like being driven, but at that age, I don't think she could see the difference between the quality and the quantity of the time, as well as my mental health of trying to do it all.
I don't want to start a war between the sexes, but to give you some statistics for clarity, 50% of male physicians have a stay-at-home partner, whereas only 9% of female physicians have a stay-at-home partner. Women physicians tend to be the “default parent.” By this, I mean that the parent who gets sick calls from the school does the family organizing and knows what size shoes everyone wears. As a female physician, I know I like to be in control and think that my way is the best. Sometimes spouses can feel this from us. They often start out wanting to help, but they usually back off after being corrected or feeling like they are being judged. As hospitalist working evenings, my daughter's father had to figure out a way to get her to sleep. It ended up not being the exact way I would've done it. I'm sure he doesn't listen to these, and we get along pretty well even if he does, so I'm just going to tell you some of the stories. I had worked hard getting her on a set sleep schedule before I went back to work and, of course, wanted her to sleep in her bed in her pajamas. Sometimes when he put her to sleep, she was in her daytime clothes in her swinging chair. As a first-time mom who had read all the books on "doing it right," my instinct was to tell him that he had done this wrong. I'm sure I did, and I probably owe him an apology for this. Did it matter if she was in pajamas or the onesie she had worn all day? She was safe and secure in her swinging chair, and it probably wasn't going to ruin her sleep pattern doing this for a night. I just needed to back off and let him do it his way.
Self Care
Sometimes you have to say no! Self-care isn't always bubble baths and wine nights. It also means letting someone else shoulder the responsibility for once. This can also look like sleeping for an extra hour in the morning or taking more frequent days off. Throughout the generations in my family, the wife/mom has traditionally been the martyr who put themselves last and took care of everyone else. For example, I want to show my daughter that it's not only okay but essential for me to have hobbies and activities. It is not selfish but valuable to take care of myself. It makes me a better mom.
Relax
It's hard to relax when you always feel behind on your duties as a mother. The APA has emphasized that chronic stress has only gotten worse lately, which profoundly impacts your ability to take care of your children. Unclench your jaw, take more frequent breaks, and remember it's okay to ask for help. Sometimes, it feels wonderful to help another working mom out for me. Instead of criticizing or judging, try to hold another woman up and remind them that they are doing the best they can. Sometimes the people who are the most critical of others are secretly doubting THEIR parenting. It's amazing what a kind word from another working mom can do to brighten someone's day. And secretly, it makes me feel really good too.
Re-examine Your Values
Your values are the foundation of who you are as a person. They include (but aren't limited to) how you treat people, treat yourself, and view the world. Consider writing down in a journal several qualities you admire in yourself and a few qualities you want to strive for this year. It is essential to decide what memories you want to create for your family. Kids need to feel safe and loved and that you're present in their lives. Do you want them to remember that the house was always spotless or that you put your phone down and did something fun or even just talked and spent time together? We often get hung up trying to plan the most expensive and memorable vacations when the moments we remember are the small ones. The next time your whole family is sitting around telling stories, notice how many of them had NOTHING to do with an expensive vacation, the type of home you lived in, how clean that home was or how fancy your clothes were. They almost all have to do with being together, laughing, and loving one another. THIS is what you want to create for your child's memories.
Follow Your Own Rules
What's the point of setting up personal rules, then not following them? If you have a hard time keeping up with your regimen, start with fewer rules. This can look like delegating one chore a week, then trusting three once you're comfortable. If you need to, ask a friend to hold you accountable! Most importantly, give yourself the grace you are doing the best you can. As a female physician, I often fall into perfectionist mode, leading me to be very hard on myself.
It's important to recognize the little voice in our head that constantly tells us we're not doing it well enough. When you hear that inner voice telling you you're not "good enough," realize that you are commonly the hardest on yourself. We need to be mindful of this and learn to be kinder to ourselves. Sometimes I find it helpful to combat negative self-talk by pretending I am saying it out loud to my best girlfriend in the same situation. Would I tell her that she is failing or being a bad mom? Of course not. We would never say out loud to another person the hurtful, negative self-talk we tell ourselves every day. We need to learn to have our own back, give ourselves more self-compassion, and learn to be our own best friend.
Let Go of Negative Thoughts
Learning how to reduce working mom guilt is practicing thought work. The first step is recognizing the negative thoughts. Most people are unaware that 85% of our thoughts every day are negative. This genetic code has been passed down for our brain to keep us safe. The spiral of negative thoughts can grip us in a whirlwind and pull us under before knowing what's happening.
Our brain always looks for danger and generates fearful, suspicious, and sometimes even untrue thoughts. Think about the feelings you wanted when you thought about having children, I bet none of them were guilty. I bet you wanted to feel love and pride and raise them to be the best version of themselves. No one decided to have a child spend their life and thoughts feeling guilty and negative.
Getting started begins with asking questions about what you need and, just as importantly, what you want.
