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SHOW NOTES and TIME STAMPS

In this episode, I explain the difference between making requests and setting boundaries with the people in your life.  Most of us cringe thinking about boundaries, but the opposite is true.  Knowing how to develop a boundary correctly can make your relationships more true and authentic.  I explain how to set a boundary and some of the challenges involved.  I cover when to set a boundary and when NOT to do it.  I give some example jargon that can be used to make the process easier. 

(3:18) Review of Manuals

(5:05) Requests

(6:28) Boundries

(9:13) When and how to set a Boundry

(11:19) When it’s not a Boundry Issue

(12:39) Challenges of setting a Boundry

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You are listening to the Beat Physician Burnout podcast Episode #6

Requests and Boundaries

I covered manuals in the last podcast, and if you haven't listened to it, please stop and go back because you need to understand that concept to move on.

I will briefly repeat the definition here but not repeat the whole podcast.  A manual is an invisible instruction guide we have for someone in our life (or everyone) on how we would like THEM to behave so WE can feel good and be happy. 

There are three parts to a manual:

1. The SOMEONE often includes our partners, husbands or wives, friends, children, family, patients, and even strangers.

2. The directions, guides, or rules of how we would like THEM to behave.

3. So that WE can be happy, good, relaxed, comfortable, or whatever feeling we are looking for.  

The example I used was that I feel that a GOOD best friend should call me on my birthday. You can see that I have some judgment and have decided what a good or a bad friend is. I also have made this other person's actions responsible for how I feel. If the person does call me, then I am happy, and I make that mean that they care about me. If they don't call me, I make that mean they don't care about me. So the most dangerous part about manuals is when we start to allow our happiness to be controlled by other people's actions.

So now we're going to talk about requests. Clients will ask me, "well, shouldn't I be allowed to make requests of other people? Shouldn't my partner help me out around the house?

Requests are things that you ask of another person, and this is absolutely fine, but the difference between a request and a manual is that you can't have any attachment to the outcome. Remember, a manual was something that you wanted someone in your life to do so that you could be happy. You can ask people for a request, and they may or may not do it. They are human. They have free will. The trick is not allowing your happiness to be based on someone else's actions.  This is the catch.  We can’t change people and we can’t depend on them for our happiness.

Here are some examples: of requests

• I wish my husband would take the garbage out.

• I would like my wife to be more romantic.

• I would like my boss to give me more praise.

• I want my girlfriends to call me back when I call them.

It's OK to make requests like this of other people, but again the problem arises, when your happiness depends on their fulfilling the request. 

Let’s move onto boundaries. Many clients are skittish when I talk to them about setting up boundaries because they are concerned it will damage the relationship. It's the opposite. When you learn to set up boundaries correctly, it will only strengthen your relationships and bring you closer together, and we will talk about this later.

A boundary is something you create for yourself when someone violates your personal or physical space. It should be needed to keep you out of danger or sometimes to protect your relationships.  Suppose you picture your boundary like a property boundary, like "drawing a circle" around our behavior and ourselves.   This technique will also remind you that we only have control over what is inside our circle. We only have control over ourselves and our behaviors.

A boundary has two parts.

1.  The first part is an ask you make of someone to change a specific behavior that infringes on your property (literally or emotionally).

2. The second part is a consequence of what you will do to self-protect if they violate the boundary again. Tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request.

3. then I ask that you Check-in. Boundaries should come from love and create a closer relationship.

Here is an example of a boundary. If you have been drinking I will not get in the car. The request is that you wish to have a safe driver. This is a boundary to protect yourself from dying in a car crash. The request is clear. But notice i don't use the word sober in my request but the words ``if you've been drinking at all". I decided not to use the word "drunk" because it's very subjective. People will say I've had one , I've only had three, I've only had 10, I'm fine to drive. So it needs to be very clear. If you've been drinking at all (NOT SOBER) I will not get in the car. The consequence is also something that has to be 100% in your control. You wouldn't want to say I will push you out of the car and take the keys away from you because that may not be something physically that you could do.

WHEN AND HOW should you  SET A BOUNDARY

Before setting a boundary, you must be clear to yourself about what your personal boundaries are.  Personal physical boundaries are usually easier to define. These boundaries need to be communicated only when someone has violated them. For example, most of us have a boundary that involves not tolerating physical violence. However, we don't walk around saying, "By the way, don't hit me, or I'll run away or call the police."  Personal emotional boundaries or sometimes more difficult. For example, do you allow people to Yell at  you? If not what happens? Some people feel it's appropriate to have a boundary for this and others do not. Sometimes when there are no clear social norms for these personal emotional boundaries, people may be unaware they have crossed it.  Sometimes we don't know we have a boundary until it has happened once. Sometimes in the moment, we let it happen because we are too shocked or surprised and haven't had a change yet to think about it and set up a boundary and Consequence. Sometimes we think this person maybe only did it once and they won't do it again and we hope it won't happen again and we won’t have to address it.

Once a boundary has been violated, we need to communicate to the person that they have crossed a boundary, and clearly state the consequences if they don't stop.  If someone grabs your arm, they have violated a boundary. An example of a boundary / consequence statement could be:  "You need to let go of my arm or I'm going to scream and call the police." By saying this, you're letting them know they have violated a boundary and what action you will take if they continue to do so.  The boundaries you set are meant to protect you physically and emotionally, so you need to clearly communicate when a violation has occurred. And so if you did decide you were going to set a boundary for yelling it could be like this. "if you continue to raise your voice at me, I'm going to leave the room until you can speak calmly" This ultimately allows the person to choose how they will behave, but clearly describes what you will do if the violation continues. You make the request, give them the option to do whatever they would like to do, and then you follow through on that request. 

WHEN IT'S NOT A BOUNDARY ISSUE

Many people confuse requests with boundary issues.  Boundaries are for protection of your personal physical and emotional safety.  Boundaries should always come from a place of love to promote self kindness.A boundary is not an ultimatum. It's not a way of controlling another person so that we can feel better. (this is a manual) and it never works, and it's completely disempowering and separating. People don't like being controlled or forced, and the truth is that an ultimatum is actually a boundary violation against the other person.

It's important to follow through with the consequences, which is a difficult area for many people. We worry about how the other person is going to react. Failure to follow through and act accordingly sends the message that the boundary doesn't truly exist. Furthermore, and if you let the behavior continue, you most likely will build up some kind of emotions such as frustration or anger or resentment. This doesn't foster an intimate relationship, but rather, it can create unnecessary drama and conflict.

THE CHALLENGES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES

So let's talk about that fear of setting boundaries that we will lose the relationship because of the person's reaction. A lot of times these people will stay in relationships that are based on lies, pretenses, and resentment. This prevents any true intimacy in the relationship. Having a conversation about the boundary can be uncomfortable and challenging. It's hard work. But it's always what makes our relationships the most true.  We have to be willing to let other people interpret it how they will, It is difficult but well worth it in the end. People who cannot find the courage to have conversations like this stay in relationships where they're pretending and then wonder why their relationships aren't deep and intimate. Or worse, the relationship erupts in the end because of built up resentment and hostility, and we blame the other person for our lack of boundaries.  Others don't have to understand or agree with your boundary, and you should be prepared for that. You set the boundary out of love for yourself and often it helps to tell them that.  Remember the “it’s about me, not you trick” that many people use at break-up time.  Lol.  Well it works here too.  For example, you could say, "Look, this is a boundary issue for me, and I'm not comfortable with this going on. If it does continue, this is what I'm going to do. I think you are wonderful and magnificent, and I value our relationship, so that's why I want to be clear and straightforward about this."  You don’t have to yell or be anger and they don’t have to choose to be upset.   I have seen so many clients have better, more authentic relationships after setting boundaries.  

And the MOST IMPORTANT THING is how do we learn to give ourselves happiness. This is coaching. This is when we learn that we can create our own feelings and results.  We don’t need manuals and other peoples actions to make us happy.   This is what I ultimately want to give you. Coaching teaches you how to figure out what you need to be happy. How to provide yourself exactly what you need and cut everyone else out of the equation.  Then your relationships become about enjoying the times you are together.